Should Parents Ban Negative Peers?

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Should Parents Ban Negative Peers?

Jim Windell

 

            As parents we frequently think we know what’s best for our children. That often means we think we know that the friends our kids chose may have a negative influence on them.

            We certainly tend to believe that negative peers can exert an unholy influence on our kids. Therefore, in our wisdom, we may get actively involved by prohibiting our kids from   hanging around certain peers.

            As therapists, we commonly hear children and teens complaining to us that their parents don’t like their friends or that they are trying to dictate who they can – and can’t – have as friends.

            But does banning friends work? Are parents justified in choosing who their kids can be around?

            As it turns out, a recent study found that when mothers banned their child’s friend, their kid’s behaviors worsened. Published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, the study followed a community sample of 292 boys and 270 girls (ages 9 to 14) over the course of a school year with students completing surveys at the beginning, middle and end of the year. At each time point, peer status (being liked and being disliked) and classroom disruptiveness were gauged with peer nominations. Self-reports described conduct problems and perceived maternal disapproval of friends.

           The results of the study reveal that efforts by mothers to intervene in problematic peer relationships by prohibiting friendships often backfired. Mothers who disapproved of their children’s friends inadvertently worsened their behavior problems. Specifically, moms who responded to behavior problems (child-reported and peer-reported) with expressions of disapproval of friends inadvertently damaged the child’s relations with peers, alienating classmates. Following that, adjustment difficulties appeared.

           The study, conducted by Brett Laursen, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University, and by colleagues at Mykolas Romeris University in Vilnius Lithuania, compared different forms of classmate responses to maternal friendship interference. The findings suggest that maternal disapproval of friends is more likely to elicit active disliking from classmates, rather than merely reducing the number of classmates who enjoy the child’s company.

           According to Brett Laursen, who teaches in Florida Atlantic University’s Charles E. Schmidt College of Science, “The findings are important because they speak to the mechanism that translates disapproval of friends into elevated behavior problems. Maternal friend disapproval has counterproductive consequences for behavior problems because of the deleterious impact it has on peer status.”

           Laursen went on to say that young people may or may not report their parent’s restrictions and the reasons to friends. Or mothers may express their disapproval directly to their child’s friends. However, neither approach seems like a welcome way to handle their concerns. “Friends may respond by spreading contempt or ridicule throughout the peer group,” says Laursen. “Social opportunities are likely to wither as peers avoid affiliating with someone who is depicted as uncool.”

           Laursen points out that friendships become limited for a child who has an unpleasant and interfering mother. Such a youngster may have to consider new friends who have also been rejected by peers. These, then, are kids who have a hard time making friends. “At the end of the day, interference in peer relationships may force the child to befriend a poorly adjusted classmate because they have no other alternatives,” says Laursen. Also, he adds, rejected children may be excluded from social interactions with typically developing peers, depriving them of the opportunity to develop age-appropriate social skills.

          What should parents do instead of banning certain peers? Laursen explains that parents should focus on maintaining positive relationships with their children, because warmth and support can be effective buffers against troublesome peer pressure. Furthermore, they can create opportunities for constructive peer engagement in supervised settings and encourage participation in adult-sponsored clubs and activities, which potentially limit deviant behavior.

          To read the original article, find it with this reference:

Kaniušonytė, G., & Laursen, B. (2024). Maternal disapproval of friends in response to child conduct problems damages the peer status of pre‐and early adolescents. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 65(7). https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.14043

 

 

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